Bang Bang Time
by Marksman Sydonia
Summary: The clock knows all. Especially all things stupid.


Citan and Sigurd were hanging out on the Yggdrasil one day after Deus was defeated.

"Hey Hyuga," said Sigurd.

"What?" Citan responded.

"Aren't we supposed to be, uh…doing something?"

"Like what?"

"Uh…" Sigurd arose and checked the label of the story. "You got a deck of cards?"

Citan shook his head. "No."

"Okay."

The clock on the wall continued ticking. Over the course of twenty-five minutes, Citan and Sigurd did random things, from letting out occasional sighs to adjusting their own wedgies. Within the remaining ten minutes of the silence, Sigurd had begun whistling the theme of the Yggdrasil because everyone knows games suck without music. And that fics suck unless you copy-and-paste a song barely related or totally unrelated to the mood into it and then put about 1k of your own text around it and have the nerve to call it a story.

"Hey Sigurd," Citan finally said. "Could you cut that out?"

"What…!?" Sigurd cried mid-whistle. "Oh! Oh…it's only you."

"…yes, I've been sitting here for the past twenty-five minutes."

"Oh yeah. Uh, why do you want me to stop whistling? This song is good."

"I know, but you can't carry a tune."

"Alas!" Sigurd exclaimed sorrowfully. "I believe you are right, Hyu."

__

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

"I'm bored," whined the amber-skinned man.

"Me too. I also consider myself to be quite horny right now."

"Why is that?"

"Uh…" Citan's cheeks flushed. "Because I'm always horny?"

"No, you're not."

"Yeah, you're right."

__

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Tick…tock.

Tick…tick…tick…t…t-t-t-t-t-t--

Citan stood up and smashed the clock with his sword. After he was finished damaging the story's only excuse to pass the time (Sydonia: HA! I'm so funny I cream myself) he set the sword down and looked at Sigurd with a serious expression.

"Hey Sigurd, let's fuck. It's been one page and we haven't screwed one another to the end of the yaoi horizon."

"Nah…I don't think so, Hyu…"

"Oh, okay." He flopped down on the couch and put his hands on his lap, looking bored.

__

…t…t-tick…t-t-tick…

…tick…t-tock…

Tick…tock…

Citan suddenly burst into tears.

"What's wrong?" Sigurd asked, alarmed.

"I…I hate that thing," he sobbed in response.

Gazing sympathetically at his friend, Sigurd walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. "There, there." His voice was soothing in a non-gay friend sort of way.

Citan cried even harder. "It's making such a beautiful noise!!"

Sigurd continued touching Citan on the shoulder in a non-gay manner. "Don't worry," he said gently. "I'll completely destroy it for you."

"N-no! You don't understand!" Citan stood up and faced Sigurd. "It's making better musical sounds than your Deus-awful whistling!!"

"……………………………"

"Why are you looking at me like that, Sigurd?"

"…I forgot my lotion." He sat down on the couch and started counting the fibers in his coat.

Moments passed. The air was growing ever tenser. The crew of the Yggdrasil was running back and forth up above, ignoring the two men who had been doing everything in a heterosexual manner for the past hour. Margie had gone back to Nisan, Bart was nowhere to be seen, and every other person in the party during the game had gone their separate ways. And while this was all happening, Citan was still crying over that confound wall clock, and Sigurd was seconds away from permanently silencing him, when-

__

Bong! Bong!

Both men gasped as the clock changed tones.

Citan stared in awe at the broken clock, then finally realized what had happened. "It's a new hour."

"That's right. I will go back to counting fibers in my coat, but first I must ask you something, Hyuga."

"What is it?"

"Will you hump my brains out right here?"

Citan was somehow taken by surprise. "Why?"

Sigurd shrugged. "Uh…well, since everyone thinks we belong together and all."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is."

"DAMN IT!!" Citan shouted, on the verge of tears once more. "Hey, I wonder why."

"Because they think we're gay and in love with one another."

"Oh. Well, I'm not gay."

"They easily forget that."

Citan cocked an eyebrow. "I got married, and to someone female," he reminded his friend. Hopefully Sigurd would remember it, unlike the 743829748392 other people who seem to think they're into one another in more ways than one.

"You also had a tendency to not say anything romantic since you were more involved with the mission than you were with her in that brief period of time."

Citan tried again. "I have a daughter."

"I have a washboard stomach," Sigurd said, pointing to his midriff.

Citan nodded. "Yes, you do. It's very nice. Very deserving of nuzzling."

__

Bong! Bong...!

Bang! Bong!

Bang!

"Bang," Citan repeated, his eyes locked on Sigurd.

Sigurd's hips momentarily tensed up. "Ungh," he whimpered.

"What's wrong?" Citan queried.

"A fly bit me."

"Where?"

"On the shoulder," Sigurd told him.

"Flies don't bite."

"Not on the Yggdrasil, they don't."

__

Bang! Bang!

Sigurd's knees soon gave way to the...mental...attack. Yeah, that's it...a mental attack. He placed his hands upon the top of his thighs, becoming disoriented.

"Bad fly," sighed the doctor. "Constantly inserting your instrument where it does not belong."

Sigurd snapped out of his trance. "It is not a fly. It is a bee. And bees do not bite."

"Right."

__

Bang! Bong!

Bong! Bong...!

...bong...!

...bong...

...

...

...tick...

"Ah, I have solved the puzzle," Citan finally said.

"What?"

"It is a fly that bit you. Everyone knows that ticks fly."

"But flies don't tick, Hyuga."

"...you're right. And our dear clock is providing better noise than that of a tick."

Sigurd smiled dazedly at the mechanical object. "How time flies."

__

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Tick...kick...

"I want to kick off," Citan suddenly stated.

Sigurd gasped. "What?!"

"...my shoes. I also enjoy punching them. I punched a lot during our adventure."

"Yes, you did."

Citan's eyes dimmed. "I did not hit a lot in the bedroom, however."

"Certainly not. Your wife would have been angry with you if you had broken the footstool with your fists."

"Yes. I remember paying for the chair I broke."

"In the bedroom?"

"No."

"Alas..."

__

Tick...

Tick...tock...

Tick...kick...

...kick...

"Hyuga, are you certain you are homosexual?" Sigurd asked.

"Positive. I have been sleeping with men ever since the day Dominia ran off with my wife."

"Dominia never ran off with your wife."

Citan frowned. "You are such a faggot."

"Then we should have sex right here, right now."

"But I am not gay," Citan insisted.

"You never were."

__

Tick, kick...

Kick...kick...

Stick...kick...

Kick...bang...

Bang...

Bang...

"Yank," Citan said in a throaty voice.

Sigurd cringed. "Ummmmph." He turned his knees toward one another and coughed.

"What's wrong now?"

Sigurd's eyes revealed a moderate amount of pain. "My bone..."

"Does it hurt that much?"

Sigurd nodded. "My knee cap has been bothering me for the longest time."

"That's because you're gay."

Sigurd cast Citan a dirty look. "I most certainly am not," he informed his friend, obviously offended.

"But everyone thinks you are."

"They think you're gay too."

"Why?"

"Because we're old friends."

__

Kick, tick.

Tick, kick...

Tick...

...bong...

...bong, bong...

"The clock has struck another hour," Citan said.

"What terrible manners," Sigurd remarked. "The clock should be a perfect gentleman, like the fly."

"The fly that bit you?"

"It was a tick. And ticks do not fly."

__

Bong, bong.

Bong, bang...

Bite, bang.

Bangkok...

"I am hungry," Citan said aloud. "I would like to eat a hot dog."

"I would enjoy a banana myself, but I cannot."

"You do not have various phallic-shaped foods on this ship?"

Sigurd shook his head. "No. The last time I served dinner with them, Bart arranged his meal in an obscene manner."

Citan's eyes narrowed. "He's so gay."

"No. But he's incestuous. Always sleeping with that cousin of his."

"But he's more in love with his missiles."

"Yes," Sigurd said in agreement. "It's been several months since I have been sleeping with Margie."

"You've never slept with Margie. That would make you incestuous."

"Yes. But had I done so, I would have been a gentleman to her. Not like the fly."

__

Bang...

Tick...

Kick...

Citan sniffled and rubbed his nose.

Sigurd rolled his eyes. "Are you still crying? You are so gay."

"I AM MERRILY SPIRITED, OKAY?!?!?!" the doctor shrieked.

"Hmm." All expression faded from Sigurd's face. "Fag."

"Bangkok," Citan shot back.

__

Kick, bang.

Tick, kick.

Tick, tock.

Kick, c--

"CALLING ALL TROOPS! CALLING ALL TROOPS!" Franz' voice blared through the loudspeaker. "WE DETECT VIBRATIONS FROM THE BACK WHICH ARE GROWING EVER STRONGER!! ALL CREWMEMBERS, REPORT TO THE BRIDGE! REPORT TO THE-- uh...h-huh...what is it?!"

"Franz," spoke another voice on the intercom. "Before you dressed this morning, did you forget to remove the..?"

"Huh? Oh...oh! Oops! Hehe, no wonder I kept feeling those vibrations! False alarm, crew. False alarm. That is all."

__

Tick, tock.

"Have you ever noticed that alarms tick as well?" Sigurd asked Citan.

"I did NOT notice that!" Citan exclaimed. "Why, you are very perceptive, my friend!"

"I have also noticed that many ticks are gay."

"We're also gay. And in love with one another. So we are ticks as well."

"You're so right," Sigurd said. "Hyuga, will you bone me?"

Citan was disgusted. "Certainly not. I am not a tick. And ticks bite, they do not bone."

"But the bees do plenty boning."

"If they have the right instruments."

__

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Sigurd looked at Citan with disgust. "You are SO gay."

"I am not gay!!" Citan exploded.

"Everyone thinks you are."

"They think the same of you!"

"Oh yeah." Sigurd lowered his eyes in defeat. "And they think we're screwing one another. I wonder why."

"Because we have an old friendship, I said."

"But we never screwed each other in the past or during the adventure," Sigurd pointed out. "We certainly showed no romantic feelings toward one another. Me being matched up with you is about as ridiculous as Fei being matched up with Ramsus!"

"Ah...I believe we may be too late. Someone has probably created a tale about that."

"DAMN IT!!!!" shouted Sigurd. "That's almost as bad as me being paired up with Bart. Or Chu-Chu with Rico." He began scowling. "This is all Xing's fault."

"I know, my friend. I know."

__

Tick, tock.

Bangkok.

Tick.

"My back itches, Hyu. Can you scratch it for me?"

"I don't have any ticks."

"Oh."

Chris Rock suddenly came out of nowhere. "Hey, it's time for a record! Here goes!" He then exited the room, never to be seen again.

__

"Broken mirror, a million shades of light..."

Citan frowned again. "I hate your whistling, Sigurd."

"And I hate your ticks. You really should keep your clothes on."

"They _are_ on."

__

"The old echo fades away..."

"And they are stunning. Is that a new shirt?"

"No. I've been wearing it the entire adventure."

__

"But just you and I..."

"Oh." Sigurd looked down and seemed shocked. "Hyu...there's a rather revealing hole in my shirt!"

"Yes. It was the flies that did that."

__

"Can find the answer..."

"Flies don't bite."

__

"And then, we can run to the end of the world..."

"But clocks do."

__

"We can run to the end of the w--"

"Where the $&#@*$^#@*& is that song COMING FROM?!" Sigurd shrieked.

As if in response, a sudden scratch of a record was heard.

"And do you notice these songs sometimes appear at the oddest times? Whether or not they pertain to the current scene?"

"Sometimes, there IS no scene. There IS no story. Just large sections of a song copied and pasted into a document around a good 0.5K of text of something that would otherwise take two seconds to read by itself."

Citan smiled. "You're right."

__

Tick, tock.

Bang, bang.

Bang, bang, bang.

Citan stood up. "I think I will go home and have vigorous sex with my wife Yui."

"How are you going to do that?"

"Ah…that is indeed a good question."

"Well, it sounds like fun," Sigurd said. "I'm going to score a date with a girl who's every bit as heterosexual as we are."

"Okay. Good night, my friend." With that, Citan walked up the stairs and out of the gun room without ever having had been romantically involved with Sigurd. You see, the two never had sex. And they never will.

Sigurd sat there for another twenty-five minutes. Then he left as well.

Moments later, Vanderkaum and Shakhan emerged out of nowhere.

"Hey Shakhan," said Vanderkaum. "I think we should shag."

Shakhan rubbed his shiny head, all confused and stuff. "But what's the story leading to it?"

"Umm…" Vanderkaum thought for a moment. "Well, one time we both appeared at a dock at the same time and stood around there for about fifteen seconds, barely acknowledging one another."

"Oh, okay!" Shakhan jumped on Vanderkaum and the two were soon engaged in lusty, pointless, undead sex. And then Stone appeared and cleansed them both.

And the clock smiled.

__

Bang.

~quatre~


End file.
